Fübar

From Free Talk Live

Fübar (born Josh Ratajczyk) is a permanent guest host ("for tax purposes") on Free Talk Live, regularly in the studio every day but Thursday, which he takes off for sacrilegious purposes. He is a devout member of the Old Order Coprolite community in Sarasota, and thus, his larynx was ceremonially removed shortly after he was born. This caused some degree of embarrassment early in his tenure on the show, as the other hosts could mention that he was present (and make fun of him for his uncanny resemblance to brilliant musician Johnny "Guitar" Watson), but he could not respond to them or to callers. This situation was resolved when the other hosts agreed not to make further reference to him, with one exception: Mark frequently mocks Fübar by clearing his throat whenever he is about to read something. (Torgo technically violated this arrangement on February 20, 2006, about ten minutes into the show, though he did so in good humor.) Fübar has thus remained an invaluable part of the Free Talk Live team to this day.

Politics

Fübar considers himself a spanko-babblist (a term he coined while "vacationing" in Lorettastan), espousing a philosophy that robust discussion is more important than action, which he considers a waste of time as it accomplishes nothing. He readily admits that his perspective may be skewed by the fact that he can only ever dream of participating in such discussion, and thus he may have an uncommon appreciation for it. That aside, he insists that the only way to successfully bring about change is to spend as much time as possible analyzing and debating the particulars of what is wrong with the current situation and hypothesizing about what could be done about it and what might happen if various courses of action were taken. The ultimate purpose of such discussion is to establish as many philosophical categorizations as possible, providing fertile ground for further debate over the subtle nuances distinguishing various terms from one another.

Religion

As a lifelong member of the Old Order Coprolite community, Fübar believes the universe as it exists today is the waste product of a creation deity known formally as Incontinentius, or more affectionately as Pucker. Coprolitism is a mystery religion, and as such, their arcanum are revealed only to the initiated. However, it has been reported by former Coprolites that their holy text is recorded on sacramental two-ply paper in the form of a scroll. These reports conflict over whether the paper is quilted. There is consensus, however, that the Coprolite philosophy wholeheartedly supports the theory of the Big Bang, while suggesting that it was preceded by the Big Taco With Spoiled Sour Cream.

Fübar Quotes

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