Chuck Norris

From Free Talk Live

Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (March 10, 1940 - Eternity) is an American martial artist, action star, and Hollywood actor, who is best known for creating God and being the namesake of the Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick (CNRK), a unit of measure of force equivalent to 365.24 hydrogen bombs. None of this badassery compares to Bruce Campbell, however, who created the planet Earth from skinflakes from his chin.

* Chuck Norris does not know about this page. If he did, he would delete the Internet.

The Top 10 (and only 10) facts about Chuck Norris:

-Quick Note- If you read any of these, and laugh, check behind you. Chuck Norris hates it when you laugh at him. If you are spared of a Chuck Norris Ass Whooping then I suggest you run because he will find you and HE WILL get you.

1. Before Chuck Norris visited them, they were called "The Virgin Islands" Now, they're just "The Islands"
2. Chuck Norris does not "teabag" the ladies. He "Potato-Sacks" them.
3. Most people fear the Reaper. The reaper fears Chuck Norris.
4. Most Anti-Bacterials claim to kill 99.9% of all germs. Chuck Norris kills 110% of whatever the heck he wants.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't read playboy.
6. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell, "What the fuck was that!?"
7. When Chuck Norris was a teen, he had sex with every nun in a small convent in Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated champions in NFL history.
8. Chuck Norris is 9/8 Cherokee, not by ancestry, but because he once ate a Native American.
9. Chuck Norris has the kidney of a moose. He keeps it in a large fridge.
10. Chuck Norris isn't hung like a Horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Other facts, by category:

Contents 1 Martial Arts 2 Math & Science 3 Fun 4 Celebrities 5 Games 6 Nature 7 Law 8 Mythology

Martial Arts

• Chuck Norris was born early because he roundhouse kicked his way out his mom.
• Chuck Norris's mustache is a third degree black belt. Additionally, his left arm recently received first place in the National Kickboxing Championships.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for unparalleled Martial Arts ability. Not wishing to remain soulless, Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick the Devil and take his soul back. Satan, who loves irony, found himself unable to hold a grudge and the two of them play poker on the second Wednesday of every month with Dick Cheany and Pee Wee Harris.
• Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
• Chuck Norris can perform a roundhouse kick with both legs, at the same time.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds; Walk, and Kill.
• Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping, and it is one hand screaming in fear of his powerful legs.
• If stuck on what to do, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?". And then give up, because you can't kick that hard.
• You don't insult Chuck Norris, you're already dead.
• It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.
• The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Chuck Norris.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris and Tina Fey punched each other simultaneously. The resulting shockwave created a tsunami in Indonesia.
• Chuck Norris only kicks you into next week so that he can kick you again. Harder.
• Bruce Lee invented Nunchucks, but he named them after Chuck Norris.
• Others claim that the weapon that consists of two pieces of wood connected together by a piece of chain were originally named, “Nun-Barrys”. Nobody knows what ever happened to Barry.
• Bruce Lee is the only known person who can defeat Chuck Norris once and for all. Too bad he died before he got the opportunity.
• Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
• The pen may be mightier than the sword but it's no match for Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris uses his abs to smooth diamonds.

Math & Science

• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
• Chuck Norris is true for all values of x.
• Chuck Norris can Divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
• Chuck Norris can invert a singular matrix.
• Chuck Norris can find the square root of the color yellow, without using a prism or a diagram of the visible light spectrum.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle—you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• Chuck Norris, however, does know.
• The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself in the face. That was the first time he was ever seen without his beard.
• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
• Aliens do exist, but the reason they never show their faces is because they are way too scared to come fuck with a planet owned by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris is the only known being to defy the Time Paradox by going back in time and killing himself. (Note the current Chuck Norris says this does not mean he can be beaten.)
• Contrary to popular belief, 'The Big Bang Theory' was neither a cannon, nor some dude with a beard who created the world in six days, it was actually Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking matter out of an infinitely small space into an infinitely massive expansive conundrum in every possible direction.
• Mathematicians have found that due to the excessive amount of women Chuck Norris has slept with, it is guaranteed that he appears in your family tree a minimum of three times.
• If you multiply zero by Chuck Norris, you'll get infinity a roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris squeezes cannon balls for stress relief. And that's where mercury comes from.
• Chuck Norris went back in time and invented the dinosaurs because Chuck Norris hates to see a perfectly good meteor go to waste.
• Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
• Chuck Norris' tears can cure any known disease. Too bad he has never cried.
• When Chuck Norris kicks you in the face, his foot is moving faster than the speed of light; this means that while it may appear that he has taken .01 seconds to kick you to the outside observer, you were already dead at -3 seconds.
• Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
• Chuck Norris=MC²
• The poisonous compound cyanide has the formula CN, these are also Chuck Norris' initials. Coincidence? I think not.
• Chuck Norris can break all laws of Thermodynamics:
• (1st Law) Chuck Norris can create and destroy energy.
• (2nd Law) Chuck Norris can reduce the entropy of the Universe.
• (3rd Law) Chuck Norris can reach absolute zero.
• Chuck Norris invented gravity to give himself a challenge.
• Chuck Norris's wristwatch does not have numbers on it, it just says, "Time to kick ass".
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. And then back down to negative infinity. Twice.
• Nothing can go the speed of light, Chuck Norris Isn't Nothing
• Automakers considered switching from horsepower to chuckpower, they stopped because all the numbers were infinitely close to zero.
• While some claim that Al Gore invented the world wide web, It was actually Chuck Norris' giant mechanical spider. It is still waiting to catch something that is worthy of being Chuck Norris' prey.
• Molecules consist of Chuck Norris.
• The Columbia Space Shuttle didn't malfunction; Chuck Norris round-house kicked it out of orbit.
• Chuck Norris knows the square root of -1
• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of the square root of pi times -1
• Chuck Norris has well water at home, but no pump. He simply sucks the water straight up through a 40' straw.
• The square root of -1 is Chuck Norris.
• The Universe is not expanding due to the after-effects of the big bang. It is merely tring to escape from Chuck Norris.
• When a scientist discovered the secret to cold fusion, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him. He is now in a mental ward. Chuck Norris did not do this out of spite, the scientist just made the mistake of asking him the time.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Fun

• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
• Chuck Norris was so buff, he can burn an ant with a magnifying glass....AT NIGHT!
• Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris often donates blood. Other people's blood.
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome power cannot be contained in one building.
• It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, all those who get that close have exactly the same future.
• They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
• Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
• Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
• If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
• If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
• Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
• Chuck Norris's bedroom is always brightly lit. No, he doesn't have fear of the dark. The dark fears Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire Saltine cracker factory in under a minute. Without a glass of water.
• For lunch, Chuck Norris has six frozen pizzas and a vacuum cleaner. You can only imagine what he has for dinner.
• Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris can bite his own elbow.
• Chuck Norris has driven across the Atlantic and Indian oceans. The water just got out of the way.
• Chuck Norris didn't kill the dinosaurs, but he did beat the shit out of several Tyrannosaurus Rex.
• Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.
• Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris knows exactly where Carmen Sandiego is.
• When you slow down a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, you notice that he has sex with 27 women, has a smoke with Denis Leary, and does three roundhouse kicks before actually doing the kick. During those three roundhouse kicks the same thing happens, thus continuing to infinity, which Chuck Norris counts to while doing a roundhouse kick.
• If you fail to capitalise chuck norris, he will kill you so fast you w--
• Chuck Norris can cook 2 minute noodles in 1 second. And if he wants, he can uncook them back to a block again.
• Humpty Dumpty never sat on any wall, nor did he ever have a great fall. Chuck Norris just didn't like his face.
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's. But they still sold him his McMuffin.
• Your shoes were made in China. China was made by Chuck Norris.
• The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Chuck Norris, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.
• Chuck Norris is not a racist. Chuck Norris hates everyone equally.
• Chuck Norris once impaled 40 horses to make what he called "an authentic merry-go-round".
• Chuck Norris' favorite pizza topping is human fetus.
• Chuck Norris can eat a powdered donut without licking his lips.
• Chuck Norris sells his urine canned. It is marketed under the name "Red Bull."
• You can find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. But when Chuck Norris has taken the gold, you will probably only find corpses of leprechauns.
• Chuck Norris is the only known human who can stand on his nose.
• In space, nobody can hear you scream. Except Chuck Norris.
• "Chu-ck nor'ris" is Klingon for "destroyer of worlds".
• Each of Chuck Norris' teeth is from a different person.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shave, instead he raises his fist and the hairs know to back the hell up.
• Chuck Norris died ten years ago. The devil is still trying to work up the nerve to tell him.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.
• If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 7.
• Bloody Mary is afraid of facing a mirror and repeating "Chuck Norris" three times. She knows she would die after the first one.
• Every year for his birthday, Chuck Norris selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• Chuck Norris knows the meaning of life. He will only tell you once he's killed you.
• The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Chuck Norris IS fear itself.
• Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "funeral".
• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
• When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
• Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• Chuck Norris can split an atom. With his bare hands.
• Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
• When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
• Chuck Norris is comin' to get The Boogeyman. That's why he hides in peoples closets.
• Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a Salesman, over the phone.
• Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
• Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly Cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
• There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
• The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
• Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by its cover.
• The 11th Commandment is "Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris". This Commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
• Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
• Wiccans avoid Chuck Norris. If he happened three times, the world would end.
• Chuck Norris won a recent poker game by beating MacGyver with 2 high.
• The immense force of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick is beyond comprehension, and in fact is responsible for the tropical weather phenomenon we call a "hurricane".
• There's no such thing as a near death experience. There is however, a near Chuck Norris experience.
• You may survive death, but you can't survive Chuck Norris.
• Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
• Chuck Norris is on a mission, That mission is to rename the "White House" to "Round House" and kick the crap out of terrorism.
• The original A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima was nothing more than a Ziplock bag filled with Chuck Norris' highly potent seed.
• Muhammed Ali used to say, "I am the greatest." Then he met Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris never loses a game of Clue despite the fact everyone knows he's the murderer and used his foot to do it.
• If every woman in the world had met Chuck Norris, there would be no lesbians or virgins.
• Tom Cruise tried to convert Chuck Norris to scientology. Soon afterwards, Katie Holmes got pregnant.
• There once was a man from Nantucket, but then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face.
• Before Chuck Norris was born, people only cried out of happiness.
• They say violence cannot solve anything. This is proven wrong when Chuck Norris came along.
• Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
• Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
• Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
• Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
• Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
• Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
• Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
• Chuck Norris was born fully formed dressed in armor.
• Chuck Norris can lick his elbow. Both. At the same time
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a plane by pointing at it and saying "bang."
• Chuck Norris once filled in for Sean Hannity on Fox News' Hannity & Colmes.

This, in fact, actually happened. It is an actual occurrence, of which there is un-doctored video evidence. It is not a made-up "fact." We're through the looking glass, people.

Celebrities

• Chuck Norris is the Boss. Bruce Springsteen learned that early on.
• Alf was played by Chuck Norris' penis.
• Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
• The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the Speed of Light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Chuck Norris touched MC Hammer with a round-house kick, shortly after, all copies of the video and song were incinerated.
• Chuck Norris' favourite actor is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris shot JR then kicked him so hard he thought it was a dream.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. Sadly, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
• Jason, the Red Ranger wasn't the leader of Power Rangers. It was Chuck Norris, the Texas Ranger.
• Paris Hilton and Chuck Norris recorded a sex tape, but every copy in existence has been purchased by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris first proved the theory of relativity. Albert Einstein stole the project. We today know Albert as Stephen Hawking
• Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune. He went first and spun the wheel. The rest of the show consisted of 29 minutes of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Games

• If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win... forever.
• Do you know what beats rock, paper, and scissors? That's right, the roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris can beat Pacman in 20 minutes. And no, he won't let you see the ending.
• All of the American Gladiators were failed experiments in cloning stem cells from eggs fertilized by Chuck Norris' sperm.
• Chuck Norris won a game of Connect Four with only 3 moves.
• Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite him holding just a Joker, a 'Get out of Jail Free' Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a Diglett Pokemon card (which didn't even exist at the time), and a green 4 card from the game UNO.
• Chuck Norris plays Chinese Checkers using actual Chinese citizens as game pieces. They're happy to do it.
• Chuck Norris can swallow a Rubik's Cube and shit it out solved.
• Did you know, Chuck Norris was originally selected to be put on Street Fighter 2, but was later removed because all of the buttons caused him to roundhouse kick. Asked about this glitch, Chuck Norris later commented, "What glitch?".
• All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can solve any Sudoku by kicking the puzzle so hard that the guy who invented Sudoku calls him and gives him the answer.
• Chuck Norris can win both showcases in The Price is Right with a one dollar bid.
• Chuck Norris took part in the last Burp Competition. It happened in 1986 near a town named Chernobyl.
• Chuck Norris can get a blackjack with one card.
• Chuck Norris once won the "funniest person" and the "most serious person" competitions at the same time. How? He told a joke, which is so funny it's not even funny.
• Chuck Norris plays World of Warcraft. That's why mortality in U.S. has gone down in last few years.
• In World of Warcraft Chuck Norris can move the Immovable Object and Stop the Unstoppable Force. He can also Solo Naxxramas Naked with a mining pick.

Nature

• The rising of the tide is in direct correlation with Chuck Norris's heartbeat... so is your Mom's menstrual cycle.
• Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
• When Chuck Norris pees while the wind faces him, the wind changes direction.
• Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud. (It was shaped like a bunny).
• Diamond was believed to be the hardest object on earth, until Chuck Norris had his first erection.
• Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
• Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails. He simply holds them back with the strength of his cuticles.
• Who are Chuck Norris' parents? Might, Justice, and Cunning. Yes, all three.
• Chuck Norris' sperm cells don't swim. They FLY.
• When the Sun burns out Chuck Norris will be the alternative method of energy.
• Why is the sky blue? Yeah, you guessed it.
• If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it... because he caused it to fall.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Until recently, it was thought that diamonds were made of carbon. However, after finding shards of Tom Cruise's bones in such a gem, scientists have concluded that diamonds are Chuck Norris's fecal matter.
• The Great San Fransisco Earthquake was actually Chuck Norris throwing an atom on the floor.
• Yes, he can pick up an atom.

Law

• Chuck Norris IS the law.
• Instead of sending money to the IRS, Chuck Norris just sends them a photo of himself, crouched like a tiger and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes, ever.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that "Law and Order" are the copyrighted names of his left and right legs.
• Chuck Norris can fight City Hall.
• It is illegal to conceal Chuck Norris in 47 states and the District of Columbia. (Texas is not one of those states.)
• Chuck Norris expected the Spanish Inquisition, which led to their eventual defeat.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed.
• Hiroshima was never hit by a bomb. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Chuck Norris does not use American dollars. He has his own currency, the Roundhouse Kick (RK). It only comes in one denomination, domination, and no one asks for change.
• Chuck Norris can jaywalk and there's not a fucking thing you can do about it.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris will mess with Texas if he damn well pleases.
• The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
• Big Brother isn't watching you, Chuck Norris is.
• The one time Bush claimed Iraq has weapons of mass destruction was when Chuck Norris was flying over Iraq on his way to Hong Kong.
• Chuck Norris has no seat at the United Nations. He prefers to stand.
• Chuck Norris fought the law, and Chuck Norris won.
• Chuck Norris was once pulled over for doing 100 in a 30 zone. The cop had to let him go on a technicality though because there is no law against walking.
• The UN decided to have an International Talk Like Chuck Norris Day. He called to remind them that everyone already does.
• Chuck Norris was once called "Your Supreme Almighty Highness" by a loyal follower; he later roundhouse kick him into the Fourth Dimension. Any title of nobility is disrespectful for his name, because Chuck Norris can only be Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris could end the war in Iraq, but he's been outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

Mythology

• Hercules was Chuck Norris in Ancient Greece.
• He was also Perseus. He turned Medusa into stone by having sex with her.
• Chuck Norris got the Golden Fleece, Jason was a wimp.
• Chuck Norris's son is Zeus
• Chuck Norris killed all the Unicorns because they were weak.
• Chuck Norris can make every prayer in the world come true. He's just too busy roundhouse kicking the shit out of the sinners.