Ann Coulter
From Free Talk Live
Ann Coulter is a right-wing statist, Bush Administration fellating, disgustingly pencil-thin horse-faced man in a woman costume. Coulter is widely believed to be an experiment in gene splicing between humans, lemurs, and pug dogs; he/it/she is quick to blame Democrats and Canada for everything wrong with the world while simultaneously decreeing anything that a Republican touches instantly turns into gold; according to her anyone who is not a Republican is morally depraved and needs to be led by her political party which is the only one capable in her mind.
Coulter uses her allegedly good looks to lure innocent young males into the Republican Party. Also, she occasionally makes statements that are so absurd that they make her seem anti-establishment; in reality, she is just a loon.
Coulter seems to have no job other than frequent television appearances and writing an occasional book, including, ironically, Slander (one would assume it were an autobiography). In Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them, Al Franken speculates that she may actually be a dominatrix.
Ann's lanky frame, large adams apple, and throaty voice has lead to rumors that she is a post operative transsexual.
Her name is known by almost every Canadian citizen, in which, if spoken, the Canadian would usually spit and curse her name in a foreign language. Her Anti-Canadian comments have angered many a Canadian. If you talk with a Canadian and mention Ann Coulter, the response would normally sound something like "Ann Coulter? I'd like to cut her head off, feed it to the FOX crew, stab her many times, shoot her a few times, take out her non-existent heart and shove it into a garbage dispenser, then throw the rest of her body into a wood chipper and burn the pieces. Then put those ashes into a glass of chocolate milk and give it to George W. Bush." Normally the Canadian doesn't look like he's joking.
Contents |
Quotes
- "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."
- "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war."
- "Vietnam is the liberals' favorite war, because America lost."
- "They [Canada] better hope the United States doesn't roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent."
- "Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents, they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don't hate America like Liberals do. They don't have the energy. If they had that much energy, they'd have indoor plumbing by now."
- "They're always accusing us of repressing their speech, I say let's do it. Let's repress them. Frankly, I'm not a big fan of the First Amendment."
- "You don't want the Republicans in power, does that mean you want a dictatorship, gay boy?"
Publications
- High Crimes and Misdemeaners: The Case Against Bill Clinton
- Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right
- Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism
- How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter
- Godless: The Church of Liberalism
- How I fooled Bill Maher into doing me!!
Trivia
- She timed the release of her Godless book to take place on 6/6/06 (as in 666, the biblical "number of the beast").
- The 1970s film The Omen is loosely based on the childhood of Ann Coulter, but was toned down for general cinema release, and replaced the neo-fascist spoutings of the young Coulter with the more abject avatar of satanic spawn.
- Miss Coulter, though she keeps herself slim and trim, is well-known as a lover of pie, and washes it down with the blood of virgins. Typically, she goes to a college, invites people to watch, and has the pie brought to her mouth via an overhand throw delivered by one of the local students. Historically the students have had terrible aim, which completely ruins it for everyone.
- Anagramically speaking, "Ann Coulter" is "a loner cunt" and a "rectal noun"
- Coulter lacks the ability to see herself in a mirror. She often checks, though, to ensure that horn and cloven foot are not visible to the common television host.
- She previously dated Star Jones for a brief period, which ended after Coulter tried to titty fuck her.
- Before she got her sex change, Coulter liked to tuck her genitalia between her legs and dance naked in a silk robe in front of the mirror to "Goodby Horses" by Q. Lazzarus ("Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.")
- Did not deny having sexual relations with Bill Clinton.
- She's also a redhead, meaning she's a huge fan of the Grateful Dead, though the reverse is not true. It is known that she had followed them on a couple tours, but it's not known what substances entered her body at that time. It is on record that she was shot at by the band members.
- Ann Coulter does not douche. Never has. Not even once. Man, it really smells like spoiled mackerel down there.
- During the Armageddon, Ms. Coulter will be the Whore of Babylon, primarily due to the fact that in her high school years, she was Junior Miss Whore of Babylon both her junior and senior years, at the age of eleven and twelve respectively.
- A recent memo uncovered by CNN found that Ms. Coulter was actually behind the war in Iraq. When questioned on the memo, Ms. Coulter simply stated that "US oil reserves were running dry, and I'm thirsty as a bastard." This is in line with earlier assumptions that Ms Coulter is a cyborg.
- Ms. Coulter worked for a time as an Associate at Hell Desk. Satan awarded her employee of the month (October, 2001) for her outstanding work as telephone screener for Rush Limbaugh.
